Tag Archive for: relationships

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Being a Leader Who Loves

As Jesus followers, we talk a lot about love. We talk about loving our neighbors, as well as our enemies. We talk about including strangers, as well as people with whom we disagree. We do a lot of talking, but when do we put love into action?

As a leader, you meet people with different experiences from your own. Who has helped you put your love into action? Who has taught and modeled for you the love that makes a difference in you, your family, your community and the world?

I hope this short devotion will assist you in becoming more the person and leader God has created you to be. Always keep in mind, who you are is how you lead.

Read Matthew 7:43-44

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Reflect

In 1960, I started first grade in an elementary school in a small town in West Virginia. Every day, I walked up the sidewalk to the school with other children. I talked and laughed with friends as I made my way into the building. I was welcomed, by a smiling teacher, into a classroom full of children. I was just a kid starting my educational journey with no care or concern of what was going on in the world.

That very same year, a little girl by the name of Ruby started first grade in an elementary school in New Orleans. Every day, as she walked up the sidewalk to the school, she was escorted by federal marshals. She was not welcomed by smiles. The sidewalk was lined with adults shouting threats at her, calling her names, and screaming for her to go home. Enraged parents pulled their children from the school. Due to the chaos, Ruby spent her first day of school in the principal’s office, not because she had done anything wrong, but for her protection. She was just a kid starting her educational journey which would change her city, her state, her country, and the world.

My teacher was my neighbor. I could stand in my backyard and see her house. Ruby’s teacher came to New Orleans from Boston. She was the only teacher willing to accept Ruby. I was in a classroom full of children just like me, Ruby spent her first year in a classroom by herself. Every day, I played on the playground at recess, and I ate lunch in the cafeteria with my friends. Every day, at recess, Ruby played in her classroom and ate lunch in the same classroom with her teacher. Neither Ruby nor I missed a day in our first-grade year of school. But as you can see, our experiences were worlds apart.

Ruby Bridges and I were six-years old. But Ruby at 6 years old learned and lived something that has taken many years for me to learn and all my 68 years to live.

Robert Coles, a noted author, and Harvard psychiatrist volunteered his time to work with Ruby that first year. Every day he would talk with her and offer her assistance to cope with the crisis. One morning, on the news, he noticed Ruby walking up the sidewalk while people screamed at her and threw things at her. In the midst of the turmoil, Ruby suddenly stopped and said something before walking on up the sidewalk. Then the marshals picked her up and took her into the building.

When they met later that evening, Cole asked her what she said to the marshals. She said, “I was not talking to the marshals.”

He said, “Yes, you were. I saw you on the news. I saw your lips moving. You were talking to the marshals.”

She said, “I was not talking to the marshals.”

He said, “Well, what were you doing?”

She said, “I was praying for those people who were hollering at me. I had forgotten to pray, and I was trying to go back and pray for them as I walked to the school building.”

Coles shook his head and said, “You were praying for the people who were screaming at you?”

She said, “Yes, my mama taught me that when people speak mean of you, you pray for them just like Jesus prayed for the people who spoke mean of him.” Then she said, “You see, when Jesus lives in your heart, you just can’t hate anybody.”

Through her mother, Ruby learned to love and pray for the people who were mean to her. She had learned that when Jesus lives in your heart, you just can’t hate anybody.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

Respond

O God, come and live in my heart so I can love the people who have hurt me, who disagree with me, and who wish to do me harm. Fill me with your love so that my heart is big enough to include each person you send my way. Help me to be aware of your presence that everyone I encounter will meet you in me. I offer myself to you in the name of Jesus. Amen

Return

Who did you love and pray for today? Who taught you to love your enemies and to pray for the people who hurt you? Give God thanks for the people who have helped shape your life into the person you are today?

Remember, who you are is how you lead.

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5 Practices of Relational Leaders

In a few days it will be a year since we entered the COVID pandemic mode of living. During that period of time, you have made significant shifts in just about every area of your life.  Whether it be working from home, home schooling your children, not gathering in public spaces, or leading through Zoom, YouTube, or other forms of social media, you have given yourself to be the leader God created you to be. 

It has not been easy. 

You have taken risks, been vulnerable, and courageous as you have faced each day and situation. I am grateful for your faithfulness.

Understanding Our Relationships

One of the shifts, which will turn out to be a good shift, is our understanding of relationships. Before the pandemic, we spent a lot of time and energy on being right or having the right beliefs, or living the right kind of lives. These aspects are important, but one good effect emerging from the pandemic is relationships are more important than being right. 

I know that sounds simple and naïve, but what have you missed the most over the past year? I might be projecting here but being in the presence of other human beings has risen to the top of the list for me. The pandemic has shown us, again, that Jesus did not come to teach us “right” theology but came to redeem our relationships with God and one another. He saved the world by teaching twelve partners how to be in a relationship with each other, how to get along together and to belong to one another. 

Surveys show that relationships are rated as the greatest source of happiness. In a study conducted by Taylor Nelson Sofres, adults when asked to rate five aspects of their lives (relationships, health, personal fulfillment, financial status, and leisure activity), relationship to others and oneself was ranked as the number one ingredient in a quality life. 

Are you surprised?

Relationships in a Pandemic & Post-Pandemic Culture

Relationships are central to Christian theology because God is love and love is impossible outside of relationships. I know some of you will disagree, which is okay, but even the Holy Spirit was not a gift to individuals.  The Holy Spirit is a gift to the body of Christ. Let’s face it, whether you like it or not, we have no choice but to live with, listen to, and learn from one another. And when that dynamic is missing from our lives, we are not who God created us to be.

Think of it in relation to the church. When the church gathers, a relationship with God, in and through Jesus, is possible that is present in no other arena of life.  In other words, you can’t have a relationship with God outside of a relationship with people. But it’s not “Where the church is, there is Jesus.”  It is just the opposite, “Where Jesus is, there is the church.” If God is present and in touch with us when we are in community, whether on Zoom, Facebook, YouTube, or the sanctuary, what does that look like?  Maybe another way of asking the question is, “What do dynamic, growing relationships look like in a post-pandemic culture?”

Will You Be Right or Be in Relationship?

Leonard Sweet tells the story of Tom Wiles. While Tom was chaplain at Grand Canyon University in Phoenix, he purchased a new pickup truck.  While the truck was parked in his driveway, his neighbor’s basketball post fell against the truck leaving dents and scrapes on the passenger door.  The scratches looked like deep white scars on the new truck exterior. A friend happened to notice the scrapes and asked, “What happened here?” 

Tom replied with a downcast voice, “My neighbor’s basketball post fell and left those dents. I asked him about it. He doesn’t feel responsible for the damage.” 

“You’re kidding! How awful! This truck is so new I can smell it.” His friend continued, “Did you contact your insurance company? How are you going to get him to pay for it?” 

Tom replied, “This has been a real spiritual journey for me.  After a lot of soul-searching and discussions with my wife about hiring an attorney, it came down to this: I can either be in the right, or I can be in a relationship with my neighbor.  Since my neighbor will probably be with me longer than the truck, I decided to focus on our relationship.  Besides, trucks are meant to be banged up, so I got mine initiated into the real world a bit earlier than I expected.” 

The Scripture on Relationships

Let’s look at the scriptures.  From the perspective of Matthew, the first followers of Jesus were to teach others to obey everything Jesus had taught them (Matthew 28:20) with the assurance that Jesus would be with them. The question is “What had they been taught?”  

From Matthew’s perspective, God sent Jesus to teach us how to live before God or how to live a holy or righteous life.  For Matthew, at the heart of holy or righteous living was relationship. The words “teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you” is what Matthew wants us to know about living in relationship with all the people around us. Being in relationship with God and with one another is what it means to be a Jesus follower.  Being in relationship with God and with the people entrusted to your care is the foundation of effective leadership.

5 Practices of Relational Leaders

Let’s think of it this way. 

Effective leadership is rooted in:  

1. Healthy relationships

Whether with family, friends, strangers, or enemies, you have been taught to be proactive in how you treat others.  You act on behalf of others not because they have acted on your behalf but because loving others is who we are as Jesus followers.

2. Self-respect

Having respect for yourself means loving your neighbor as you have been loved. It means being a person of your word.  It means that you are integrated into your living, that what you are living on the outside in your relationships grows from the convictions of your inner life.

3. Seeking first the kingdom of God

Keeping God’s design of loving your neighbor in all that you do. Regardless of the situation or circumstances, being self-aware and keeping all aspects of life in a healthy perspective, even your relationships.

4. Caring for others in such a way that you are caring for Jesus himself

You are growing to the point that caring for others becomes so natural that you don’t even know that you are caring for Jesus.  You lead with care, not to become good, but because you are good.

5. Being proactive in forgiveness

Relationships are so important; your leadership is about investing your life in the people around you to the point that broken relationships are restored and become productive.

Develop Relationships

The instruction is “to obey” the things you have been taught. In other words, it is easy to talk about effective leadership, but it is not easy to develop the relationships needed to be an effective and courageous leader. There are times that you are vulnerable and times you “bite your tongue.” There are times you speak out and there are times you stop and listen. There are times you step out in faith with those you are leading and there are times you step out in faith alone trusting the One who created and called you to leadership. In the end, you become who God created you to be as you practice your faith. 

Last week, you were asked to consider developing healthy, unique relationships with people entrusted to your care as well as the people God sends to you. You were asked to answer one of several questions regarding who was responsible for you becoming a Christian. You were asked to write out your answer and send it to me. 

Your Next Step

Here is what I want you to do this week: Think of one person with whom you have had difficulty loving, forgiving, or sustaining a healthy relationship. 

  • Give God thanks for that person in your life.
  • Confess your need for a relationship with God and for a healthy relationship with that person.
  • Place that person, and the situations and circumstances in which you interact with that person into God’s hands.
  •  Ask God to heal your woundedness and to use you as an instrument of peace and love. 

There is no need to send me your situation or your prayers, but I would like to know that you have actively begun to restore broken relationships that stand in the way of you being the leader God needs at the point in time. 

Praying Together

O God, thank you for the opportunity to live and work at this time in history. I confess that I do not know what to do. But I do know I need you and I need the people you have given me to love and to serve. I place my relationships, the church, and the people around me into your hands. I pray that you will use me as an instrument of your peace and love. By your grace, I offer myself to you in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Please know you are not alone. Sara Thomas and I are with you in your leadership journey. When we can be of encouragement or help, contact us at connect@transformingmission.org. We are ready to assist you with insights and resources in becoming a courageous leader.  

Check out LeaderCast. On the podcast this month, Sara and I are talking with leaders about relationships. Next week we start our conversations on self-awareness. This is one resource you will want to have as you navigate the challenges of 2021. Remember, who you are is how you lead. Let’s face what is coming together. 

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Six Questions to Get to the Heart of Leadership

Do you have a heart for leadership? To seriously answer the question, you could go in several directions. 

To say “yes,” you could be saying you have the courage to lead as in “I am not faint at heart.” You know your heart must be in it to be a courageous leader. 

You could be saying you have the compassion to lead as in “I will hold you in my heart.” You know that one of the characteristics followers want in a leader is compassion. They want leaders who will hold them dear to their hearts. 

You could be saying that you have the empathy to lead as in “I have a big heart or I’m all heart.” You know that empathy is a key characteristic of effective leaders. It is essential you have a heart of understanding.

You could be saying that you have everyone’s best interest at heart as in “I am leading in a way that it benefits everyone.” You know that courageous effective leadership is not based upon your opinions but upon what helps people grow in their own hearts and minds. 

There have been times I have said “yes” with great enthusiasm with “all my heart” but I have lacked the basic understanding of what my “yes” meant. I answered from my heart without taking into consideration the full responsibility.

Do You Have a Heart for Leadership?

Do you have a heart for leadership? I know you do. Your heart is in the right place. I have seen you at work over the past 11 months. As difficult as it has been, you have not lost heart.  So, without getting too cheesy, I want to thank you with my whole heart.  Truthfully, I am grateful. 

Two weeks ago, we discussed developing relationships as a fundamental competency of good leaders. Last week we discussed a process you can use, as a leader, to focus upon the faith development of the people entrusted to your care. This week let’s bring those two things together. 

Every Heart is Unique

I recently had a conversation with a cardiac sonographer, the technician who performs echocardiograms. The conversation took place while he was administering the procedure. I asked him if he administered echocardiograms all day every day.  He answered, “Yes. Five days a week.” Then he added, “I’ve been doing this over 43 years.”  

Thinking about myself being in ministry for almost 47 years, I asked him, “There must be something interesting and rewarding about your work if you have been doing it over 43 years?” 

He responded, “I love it. It is amazing.  Every heart is unique.” He went on to explain some of the functions and images he looked for in the procedure.

I confess that I don’t remember much of what he said after his statement, “Every heart is unique.” Truthfully, I had not given much thought to the functions of the human heart. But his statement captured my imagination, not about physical functions, but how awesome to think that every heart is unique. Could it be that if every heart is unique that every relationship is unique as well? 

Healthy Relationships 

I’m convinced that at the heart of effective and courageous leadership are healthy relationships. Unique, one of kind, relationships. Because relationships matter in all areas of life, then each relationship carries its own value. Whether you are a pastor, congregational leader, parent, teacher, coach, business or community leader, each relationship matters.   

So, during a pandemic, when you are not meeting in person, face-to-face, with the people entrusted to care, how do you develop those healthy, unique relationships that are essential to developing the depth of faith needed for people to become who God created them to be?   

Developing Relationships

The questions below are offered as one way to help with developing those relationships. There are two sets of questions.  The first set is designed to help develop and strengthen the relationships of the leaders in your congregation.  For too long, we have worked with the assumption that the people serving in leadership positions know each other.  I have learned that is a false assumption.

The second set is designed to help initiate conversation with people who are not Christian or who do not have a church in which to call home but are people with whom you are developing relationships. 

Both sets of questions are designed to be used with people in business meetings, social gatherings, or groups where relationships are key and important. (For me, that would be in every group in which I am involved). The questions are designed to assist with the following:

  • Understanding 
  • Empathy and compassion
  • Storytelling
  • Prayer

Ideas for Taking Action

You can be creative in using the questions.  Use one question for each meeting as a way of helping people get to know one another.  The questions could be used for the Story Telling time we discussed last week. 

Use the whole set of questions in a retreat setting as you assist in developing depth in personal relationships.  You might even want to think of your own questions to ask.  The point is the development of healthy relationships by understanding the uniqueness of each person involved in the process. 

For the sake of clarity and time, give each person 60 seconds to answer each question. So, if you put people into groups of three, give them three minutes to answer the question. 

You might want to consider giving an extra minute or two when you ask the question regarding praying for one another.  You know your time constraints. Keep in mind the people with whom you are working.

What is important is, you are focusing upon the growing relationships and faith development of the people involved.

Questions for Congregational Leaders

This set of questions are to help develop and strengthen the relationships of the leaders in your congregation.  

  1. Who was one person in your family who was influential in you becoming a Christian?
  2. Who was one person outside your family who was influential in you becoming a Christian?
  3. When was a time you made a commitment to Jesus?
  4. What are you doing today to grow as a follower of Jesus?
  5. What gifts do you use to serve others? Where do you serve?
  6. How may I (we) pray for you at this time in your life?

In asking these questions, you might discover that not everyone grew up in the church or came to faith in and through the church. You might also discover that one person’s understanding of making a commitment to Jesus is not like your commitment(s) or the commitments of others. I am sure you will learn that not everyone understands how they are serving others or that there are persons serving in compacities unknown to you. 

Many times, in our meetings and gatherings, we pray for the needs and concerns of others and the community, but we don’t pray for ourselves or one another.  The opportunity to pray for one another is usually a powerful experience for people.

Questions for People Not Connected to Christ or a Local Congregation

The following set of questions is designed to help initiate conversation with people who are not Christian or who do not have a church in which to call home. 

  1. Who was influential in shaping you to be the person you are today?
  2. Tell me about a time you made a commitment? Why was it important to you?
  3. What are you doing to continue to grow in your life? How is your life improving?
  4. What activities bring a sense of joy or peace to your life? 
  5. During what activities have you had moments when you thought, “How did I do that?”
  6. With what activities have you thought, “When can I do that again?”

Why These Questions?

Remember, the point to engaging in conversation with the above questions is to initially develop a relationship with individuals.  Each person is a child of God, loved by God, and sent to you by God to be loved. “Receive one another as God in Christ has received you…” In other words, each person is unique and is a person of value and worth.  

Do you have a heart for leadership? 

To answer “yes” is to develop healthy, unique relationships with people entrusted to your care as well as the people God sends to you to love as you have been loved.

This week, I encourage you to answer one of those questions for yourself. Which question will it be? Write out your answer and send it to me. I look forward to hearing the uniqueness of your heart.

I know your heart might not be in it, but sometimes your heart follows your decision to participate. Do you have a heart for leadership? Show me with heart in your healthy relationships.

One More Thing

Please know you are not alone. Sara Thomas and I are with you in your leadership journey. When we can be of encouragement or help, contact us at connect@transformingmission.org. We are ready to assist you with insights and resources in becoming a courageous leader. 

Check out LeaderCast. On the podcast this month, Sara and I are talking with leaders about relationships. Last week we had a conversation with Amy Graham. We focused on nurturing the gifts God’s given you and others and what it can look like to be a relational leader. This week our conversation is with Joe Geary. Our conversation focuses upon the beautiful as well as the messy aspects of relationships. 

This is one resource you will want to have as you navigate the challenges of 2021. Remember, who you are is how you lead. Let’s face what is coming together. 

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5 Traits of Relational Leaders

The challenges facing you, as a leader, today are many and varied. We are living in a complex and demanding time. Not only has the world changed at an alarming rate, but you have done all you were equipped to do to meet the challenges. Whether you are a pastor, congregational leader, parent, teacher, coach, business or community leader you are looking for a way to make a difference with the people entrusted to your care and direction.  

When we reach these moments in life, we tend to look for rules to live by or principles to adopt. But the way to make a difference at this point in time is not through more rules, but through relationships. The biggest challenge we face today is in living disconnected lives. We are detached from God, from one another, and from creation. We are losing the art of living with one another.

Develop Healthy Relationships

Now, you might not realize it, but you already possess what is needed to meet this challenge. You would not be in a position of caring for others if you did not already possess the capacity to build and sustain relationships. I learned early in my life, when things weren’t working properly, to go back to the basics. I’m sure relationships are important at all times, but in times like these, the fundamental competency of all good leaders is developing healthy relationships.

Recent research conducted by Harvard University found that when leaders focus on building relationships, they create conditions that lead to higher levels of commitment as well as increased accountability, hope, and satisfaction.

To meet the leadership challenges of today, it is time to get back to the basics. You already possess what is needed to help the people around you become more who God has created them to be. You are changing the world as you develop relationships with love and grace and assist others to do the same.

5 Reminders for Healthy Relationships

Relational Leaders make a shift from “administering” procedures to ministering to people. Here are five things to remember as you focus upon building and maintaining relationships.

1. Grow in your Self-awareness

Self-awareness is not only knowing your strengths and weaknesses but is also knowing the impact that your behavior has on others. For example, let’s say you enjoy hands-on involvement with people entrusted to your care. 

To be self-aware means you would also realize that your hands-on style might frustrate people who also enjoy such interaction and who have been given responsibility for certain areas of ministry. Your behavior creates the appearance that you don’t trust or appreciate them or value their work. By considering your actions, you can adjust how you relate to the people around you.

So, if you are going to be an effective leader, take a step back to consider the realities challenges of the people around you and focus upon their strengths and skills as you understand and improve your own. That is why self-awareness and understanding are essential in building healthy relationships.

2. Delegate important tasks and decision making

Delegating helps to build experience and confidence in others. It also forces you to give honest, consistent feedback and to motivate and affirm people for their work. With that in mind, it is important to know the strengths of the people with whom you are working.

Effective leadership is not about overcoming weaknesses but is building upon the strengths of the people with whom you are working. True delegation is centered in knowing what strengthens the whole. This is where building relationships is important. You discover what excites people and you give them responsibility where they can and will fully invest themselves. It is in and through your relationships that you connect people to what truly makes a difference in the world.

3. Grow in your interpersonal skills

Effective leaders are able to negotiate and handle problems without alienating others. This requires understanding others’ perspectives and needs. You are able to develop a rapport with all kinds of people.

Have you ever known a school principal who is equally comfortable with students, parents, teaching staff, and school board? If so, you have seen interpersonal skills at their best. Here is where healthy relationships help you grow and mature as a leader.  As you interact with each individual and group, you are sharpening your skills as a leader.

4. Be collaborative in style

Effective leaders use listening skills and communication to involve others, build consensus, and influence decisions. It is easy to focus upon what you want to accomplish or what matters most to you. It is easy to fall into “I can do this better myself.” This often leads to using people as a means to an end rather than helping them become who God created them to be.

This is where healthy relationships help you understand what people hope to accomplish and what makes them feel as if they are truly making a difference. This is where you help people connect with the mission and invest themselves in it. On the surface, being an autocratic leader seems to bring greater results. But over time, the leader who values relationships and is collaborative builds support and can accomplish more.

5. Receive and give feedback 

Effective feedback is one of the best ways leaders can improve their relationship skills. Feedback lets people know how they’re doing, reinforces goals, and encourages engagement. When giving feedback, remember to be clear is kind. Make sure to focus on a single message, be specific, and sensitive. Judge the behavior, not the person.

When receiving feedback, remember to risk vulnerability. An effective leader will not only receive the feedback but will engage the people around her/him to incorporate appropriate changes. Being good at relationships isn’t a personality trait. It does not depend upon whether you are an extrovert, outgoing and good at conversation. A good leader listens and is open to becoming who God has created him/her to be. Even introverts can do that.  

Interconnected Relationships

We are living in a divisive world. Whether it is differing political views, theological debates, or just the way people were raised, our world is divided like no other time in recent history. Your effectiveness is no longer dependent upon whether you are relevant, use technology, or meet in the sanctuary. Your effectiveness is in your ability to adapt, evolve, and function in today’s complex and interconnected environment. 

There is no doubt about it, our churches and communities need effective leaders.  Leaders who can develop, cultivate, nourish, and adapt the relationships needed to navigate the chaos and confusion of today and lead into a new future. It is time to get back to the basics.

Your Next Step

This week think of one or two persons entrusted to your care. People with whom you live, work, or play. What is one thing you can and will do to improve your relationship with them? Remember, your effectiveness is in your ability to relate to the people and culture around you.  What one thing will you do to improve your relationships?

Please know you are not alone. Sara Thomas and I are with you in your leadership journey. When we can be of encouragement or help, contact us at connect@transformingmission.org. We are ready to assist you with insights and resources in becoming a courageous leader.

Check out the LeaderCast podcast. This month, Sara and I are talking with leaders about relationships.  This is one resource you will want to have as you navigate the challenges of 2021. Remember, who you are is how you lead. Let’s face what is coming together.

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Staying Relationally Healthy with God & One Another

Over the past several months, you have learned new ways to stay healthy physically, spiritually, and emotionally. You have learned different ways to communicate with and stay connected to the people entrusted to your care. You have discovered innovative ways to be and do church. Each of these experiences has helped to shape you into the leader needed for this point and time in history. My question is, how have you kept yourself relationally healthy? 

We know that relationships create the conditions that lead to trust, hope, and satisfaction. So, how are you doing in caring for and cultivating the relationships needed to navigate the uncertainty and confusion of a pandemic and of anti-racism?   

A Person and a Story

G. K. Chesterton wrote, “The only two things that can satisfy the soul are a person and a story; and even a story must be about a person.” How are you keeping yourself focused and healthy regarding your relationship to Jesus, the people with whom you live, work, and associate, and the community in which you live?  

Let’s focus upon two relationships that are necessary for leading today. These relationships are with God’s story and with God’s people. 

Your Relationship with God

Let’s start with your relationship to God’s story. 

1. Listen to God’s story.

Listening keeps your relationship alive. As you listen:

  • Put yourself in the story.  Ask yourself, “What voices of truth do I hear in the story?”
  • Reestablish your relationship with stories that have grown too familiar.
  • Give God thanks and express your gratitude for others.

2. Learn God’s story

The Christian life is a story of relationships. It is your RELATIONSHIP(S)…

  • with others and a peace regarding those relationships that is the number one ingredient in a quality life.
  • to God and to the people God has entrusted to your care that has you in your leadership role at this time. 
  • that help make you who you are. God is Love, and love is impossible outside of relationships. In relationship to God and to one another, you have no choice but to live with, listen to, and learn from the people around you.

3. Live the story

Christians live the story of Jesus.

  • God gives you a new heart and puts a new spirit within you. The word dwells within you. You become a living container for God’s word.
  •  When you tell the story of Jesus forgiving his enemies, you become someone who forgives his or her enemies.  When you tell the story of Jesus’s crossing the street to help an outcast, you cross the street to help the nearest outcast.
  •  Remember your relationship with God’s story is hazardous to your status quo. God’s story has the power to change the world. Be grateful for the ways your life is transformed. 

Your Relationship with God’s People

Another relationship necessary for leadership today is the relationship with God’s people. 

Whether you like it or not, as a leader, you are in the people business. Loving and caring for people has become a way of life. It is never easy but greatly rewarding. It is in and through the people God has put into your life that God shapes you into the person and leader you were created to be. With that in mind, here is a little exercise to assist you in becoming a healthier and more effective leader: 

  • Think of one person for whom you are grateful. A person who helps keep you healthy by reminding you of God’s love and acceptance.  A person who encourages you.
  • Get a face in your mind and a name on your lips. Keep that person in mind as you read the following:

Was It Just Two Pieces of Paper?

Sister Helen P. Mrosla, an assistant professor in the School of Education at Seattle University in Washington, tells the story of Mark and his classmates in a ninth grade math class she taught in Minnesota. One Friday, things just didn’t feel right. The class had worked hard on a new concept all week, and she sensed that the students were frowning, frustrated with themselves, and edgy with one another.

Two Pieces of Paper

To stop the crankiness, she asked the students to put their books away and to take out two sheets of notebook paper. She then asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on their paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she asked them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and to write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment. As the students left the room, each one handed her their papers. One of the students, Charlie, smiled.  Another student, Mark said, “Thank you for teaching me today, Teacher. Have a good weekend.”  

On Saturday, she wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and she listed what everyone had said about that individual. On Monday, at the beginning of the class, she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. She listened as the students said things like, “Really? I never knew that meant anything to anyone!”  “I didn’t know others liked me so much.” After a few minutes, the class went back to studying math. There was no mention of those papers in class again.

A Common Experience from an Uncommon Moment

It was several years later that Sister Helen learned that Mark had been killed in Vietnam. She had gotten word that Mark’s family wanted her to attend his funeral. At the funeral she watched and listened. One of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her and asked, “Were you Mark’s math teacher?” She nodded “yes”. He said, “Mark talked a lot about you.”

After the funeral, most of Mark’s classmates headed to Chuck’s farmhouse for lunch. Sister Helen was invited to come by the house. When she arrived, Mark’s mother and father met her at her car. “We want to show you something,” Mark’s father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.” Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded, and refolded many times. Sister Helen knew what it was without looking at the paper.

A Folded Treasure

Mark’s mother said, “Thank you so much for doing that. As you can see, Mark treasured it.”

Mark’s classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, “I still have my list. I keep it in the top drawer of my desk at home.”

Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.”

“I have mine too,” Marilyn said.  “It’s in my diary.”

Then Vicki reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. “I always carry this with me. I take it out and look at it every time I need encouragement. I think we all saved our lists.” 

Your Turn

  •  Do you still have a person in mind? Sometime today, tomorrow or this week, practice addition. Add a word of gratitude to their lists.
  • Make a phone call. Send a Text. Write an Email. Write a note and let them know how much you appreciate them and care for them. It can be as simple as “Giving God thanks for you today. Know how much you are loved and appreciated.” 

Relationships create the conditions that lead to trust, hope, and satisfaction. There are two relationships necessary for leading today: relationships with God’s story and with God’s people.

So, how are you doing in keeping your relationships healthy? Remember, Sara Thomas and I (Tim Bias) are available to assist you along your journey. Please do not be afraid or hesitate to ask for help. Let us know what questions you have or what you might need as you develop the relationships that help make you the leader needed for this time in history.

God became flesh and moved into the neighborhood. “Love one another as I have loved you.” You and I are a part of that story. May your relationships always reveal the blessing!

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5 Characteristics of Effective Christian Leaders

How are you doing today? As you hold the mission of the church before your congregation, how are you leading, this week, through this pandemic, differing political views, and understanding racism?

Although you might not think you are, you are leading with distinction.  No one has ever had to navigate such uncertainty in our lifetime, and you are doing it every day.

Recent research conducted by Harvard University found that when leaders focus on building relationships, they create conditions that lead to higher levels of commitment as well as increased accountability, hope, and satisfaction.

Giving Of Yourself

Albert Einstein wrote, “From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that we are here for the sake of each other, above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.” 

Einstein’s quote sums up the nature of leadership today. Your leadership is not defined by what position you hold or what you might achieve, but by what you give of yourself to help others evolve and grow.

Do You Have These Skills?

As a follower of Jesus, you are being faithful in your leadership as you work for the good of the people entrusted to your care. You are being an impactful leader as you help the people around you become more who God has created them to be. You are changing the world as you lead with love and grace and assist others to do the same. 

Effective Leaders have made a shift from “administering” procedures to ministering to people. They are skilled at building and maintaining relationships. They are:   

1. Self-aware

Self-awareness is not only knowing your strengths and weaknesses but is also knowing the impact that your behavior has on others. For example, let’s say you enjoy hands-on involvement with people entrusted to your care. To be self-aware means you would also realize that your hands-on style might frustrate people who have been given responsibility for certain areas of ministry.  Your behavior creates the appearance that you don’t trust or appreciate them or value their work. By considering your actions, you can adjust how you relate to the people around you. 

So if you are going to be an effective leader, you will need to take a step back to consider the realities and challenges of the people around you and focus upon their strengths and skills as you understand and improve your own. That is why self-awareness and understanding are essential in building healthy relationships. 

2. Willing to delegate important tasks and decision making

Delegating helps to build experience and confidence in others. It also forces you to give honest, consistent feedback and to motivate and reward people for their work. With that in mind, it is important to know the strengths of the people with whom you are working. 

Effective leadership is not about overcoming weaknesses but is building upon the strengths of the people with whom you are working. True delegation is centered in knowing what strengthens the whole. This is where building relationships is important. You discover what excites people and you give them responsibility where they can and will fully invest themselves. It is in and through your relationships that you connect people to what truly makes a difference in the world. 

3. Good interpersonal skills

Effective leaders are able to negotiate and handle problems without alienating others. This requires understanding others’ perspectives and needs. You are able to develop a rapport with all kinds of people.  

Have you ever known a school principal who is equally comfortable with students, parents, teaching staff, and school board? If so, you have seen interpersonal skills at their best. Here is where healthy relationships help you grow and mature as a leader.  As you interact with each individual and group, you are sharpening your skills as a leader. 

4. Collaborative in style

Effective leaders use listening skills and communication to involve others, build consensus, and influence decisions. It is easy to focus upon what you want to accomplish or what matters most to you. It is easy to fall into “I can do this better myself.” This often leads to using people as a means to an end rather than helping them become who God created them to be. 

This is where healthy relationships help you understand what people hope to accomplish and what makes them feel as if they are truly making a difference. This is where you help people connect with the mission and invest themselves in it. On the surface, being an autocratic leader seems to bring greater results. But over time, the leader who values relationships and is collaborative builds support and can accomplish more. 

5. Effective at receiving and giving feedback

Effective feedback is one of the best ways leaders can improve their relationship skills. Feedback lets people know how they’re doing, reinforces goals, and encourages engagement. When giving feedback, remember to be clear is to be kind. Make sure to focus on a single message, be specific, and sensitive. Judge the behavior, not the person.

When receiving feedback, remember to risk vulnerability. An effective leader will not only receive the feedback but will engage the people around her/him to incorporate appropriate changes. Being good at relationships isn’t a personality trait. It does not depend upon whether you are an extrovert, outgoing and good at conversation. A good leader listens and is open to becoming who God has created him/her to be. Even introverts can do that.   

Adapt and Evolve

We are living in a divisive world. Whether it is differing political views, theological debates, or just the way people were raised, our world is divided like no other time in recent history. Your effectiveness is no longer dependent upon whether you are relevant, use technology, or meet in the sanctuary. Your effectiveness is in your ability to adapt, evolve, and function in today’s complex and interconnected environment. 

Your Next Step

So, let me ask you to take a few minutes to reflect upon the questions below. This is for you and for your growth. After you have completed the questions, consider meeting with one or two trusted friends to discuss your answers.  Again, this is for you and for your becoming the leader God has created you to be. 

Think about one or two significant relationships in your life.

Get a face in your mind and a name on your lips.

  • How do these relationships inform and/or shape your life?
  • What role does self-awareness play?
  • How do you listen and communicate within these relationships?
  • What do you feel when people offer feedback?
  • Now, think of one person with whom you work/associate but have no relationship.
    • Get a face in your mind and a name on your lips.
  • How does this relationship inform and/or shape your life?
  • What role does self-awareness play?
  • How do you listen and communicate within this relationship?
  • What do you feel when this person offers feedback? 

Your Turn

Now, think of the people entrusted to your care. What is one thing you can and will do to become a more effective leader? 

There is no doubt about it, our churches and communities need effective leaders.  Leader who can develop, cultivate, nourish, and adapt the relationships needed to navigate the chaos and confusion of today and lead into a new future. 

If you need and want help, contact us at connect@transformingmission.org. Sara Thomas and I (Tim Bias) are ready to assist you in becoming the leader God has created you to be.

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Relationships are Key to Effective Leadership

How are you doing this week? Has anyone told you that you are doing a great job? Even though I can imagine that you don’t feel that you are, I want to assure you that God has not abandoned you.

The people entrusted to your love and care are looking to you for connection. Those with whom you live, work, and see from a distance on Zoom, or some other form of social media, are looking to you, as their leader, to keep them connected to one another and to God.  

Please understand, I’m not trying to put more on you.  I am stating a fact.  You were created to lead through an unprecedented worldwide health crisis. 

Navigating Uncharted Territory

With no warning, you have altered the way you do just about everything. You have watched more than one black man be murdered in the street. You have learned of levels of racism that you never dreamed afflicted your family, your friendships, or your leadership. As you have tried to make sense of it all, you have done it without a single hug or needed affirmation.  

Although you hear me say that you were created to lead in such a time as this, you don’t feel equipped for this. You feel overmatched and overwhelmed. And at best, you feel disconnected from the community that has shaped, formed, and affirmed your identity. 

From where I stand, I think you have done a fantastic job navigating uncharted territories. As you have met the challenge, you have become who God created you to be. I want to affirm your leadership by reminding you, that as a follower of Jesus, your leadership is rooted in your relationship to God and to the people entrusted to your care. 

Jesus’ Teaching

From the perspective of Matthew, the first followers of Jesus were to teach others to obey everything Jesus had taught them (Matthew 28:20) with the assurance that Jesus would be with them. The question is “What had they been taught?” 

From Matthew’s perspective, God sent Jesus to teach us how to live before God or how to live a holy life.  For Matthew, at the heart of holy or righteous living was relationship. The words “teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you” is what Matthew wants us to know about living in relationship with all the people around us. Being in relationship with God and with one another is what it means to be a Jesus follower.  Being in relationship with God and with the people entrusted to your care is the foundation of effective leadership. 

5 Reminders about Effective Leadership

Let’s think of it this way. Effective leadership is rooted in: 

1. Healthy relationships

Whether with family, friends, strangers, or enemies, you have been taught to be proactive in how you treat others.  You act on behalf of others not because they have acted on your behalf but because loving others is who we are as a Jesus follower.

2. Self-respect

Having respect for yourself in such a way that you are a person of your word.  It means that you are integrated in your living, that what you are living on the outside in your relationships grows from the convictions of your inner life. 

3. Seeking first the kingdom of God.

Being self-aware and keeping all aspects of life in a healthy perspective.  

4. Caring for others in such a way that you are caring for Jesus himself. 

You are growing to the point that caring for others becomes so natural that you don’t even know that you are caring for Jesus.  You lead with care, not to become holy, but because you are holy. 

5. Being proactive in forgiveness. 

Relationships are so important; your leadership is about investing your life in the people around to the point that broken relationships are restored and become productive.    

Being the Leader You Were Created to Be

Jesus says “to obey” the things you have been taught. In other words, it is easy to talk about effective leadership, but it is not easy to be the leader you were created to be. There are times that you are vulnerable and you step out in faith to live out your purpose. You become who God created you to be as you practice your faith.  

Fred Craddock tells the story of a missionary, Oswald Goulter, who served in China in the 1940’s. An agricultural missionary, he taught people to raise their own food as he loved and cared for their families. When the Communists came to China, they forced him to leave. So, his supporters in the United States wired him money for a ticket home.  

His journey home took him to India. While he was there, he discovered there were Jews living in barn lofts, attics, and sheds throughout the city. They were there because India was one of the few countries that welcomed Jews after Hitler expelled them from Europe.

Goulter was glad to see them. It was Christmas time and he visited them in the barn lofts, attics, and sheds saying, “Merry Christmas!” They said, “But we are Jews.”

“Oh, I know, but Merry Christmas anyway. What would you like for Christmas?” They said, “But we are Jews.”

He said, “Oh, I know. But is there anything you want for Christmas?” 

Several of them thought about it and said, “It has been years since we have had German pastries.”

Goulter went all over the city and found a shop that sold German pastries. He cashed in his ticket to the United States and bought boxes of pastries. Then he delivered them to the Jews in the barn lofts, attics and sheds. Handing them out, he said, “Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!”

Years later, that story was told in a gathering where Goulter was present. After the story was told, one young preacher in the back of the room stood and asked, “Dr. Goulter, did you really do that?” 

Goulter, a little taken back said, “Yes. Yes, I did.”  

The young preacher said, “I can’t believe you did that.”

Dr. Goulter asked, “Did I do something wrong?” 

The young preacher said, “Those people aren’t Christians. They don’t even believe in Jesus!” 

Dr. Goulter responded, “But I do!” 

The effectiveness of your leadership is seen in your faithfulness to your relationship with God and with the people entrusted to your love and care. 

You might not feel equipped. Maybe you feel overmatched and overwhelmed. You might even feel disconnected from the community that has shaped, formed, and affirmed your identity. But the good news is, you are not alone.  Jesus is with you as you lead into and through the chaos, confusion, and uncertainty. 

Your Next Step

So, here is what I want you do:

  • Give God thanks for the opportunity to live and work in this time of chaos and confusion.
  • Confess your need for relationship with God and with the people entrusted to your care.
  • Place the people, situations, and circumstances into God’s hands.
  • Ask God to use you as an instrument of peace and love. 

O God, thank you for the opportunity to live and work at this time in history. I confess that I do not know what to do. But, I do know I need you and I need the people you have given me to love and to serve. I place my relationships, the church, and the people around me into your hands. I pray that you will use me as an instrument of your peace and love. By your grace, I offer myself to you in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

Let me say it again, from where I stand, you are doing a fantastic job navigating uncharted territories. You are growing into the person and leader God has created you to be. Remember, you are not alone. As a follower of Jesus, lead on.  We need you to lead us now more than ever before. 

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If You Think it and Feel it, Act on it

“If you think it and feel it, act on it.”

Is that reckless or compassionate?

Before you answer, let me ask you a few more questions.

  • Are you now working from home?
  • Are your kids home from school?
  • Have your events been canceled?
  • Has your schedule changed?
  • Are the normal rhythms of life disrupted?
  • Are you worried about someone because of pre-existing health conditions?

It’s likely you said yes to one of those questions.

Maintain & Nurture Relationships

Social distancing is different from relational disconnection. We need one another.

Yes, you need to do your part to flatten the curve. I do too. I hope you already are doing it. So that, together, our healthcare system and workers are not pushed to the brink. Yes, you also need to wash your hands (didn’t your momma teach you that anyway?) ?

You and I are wired for connection. Remember that. Be intentional about nurturing relationships.

Sure, things may look different for a few weeks.

If you think it and feel it, act on it

And that is where “if you think it and feel it, act on it” comes in.

Maintaining relationships with people you won’t see on a weekly or daily basis takes intentionality.

People are now working from home for the first time, many with children also in their midst, and trying to help individuals stay connected, motivated, and not isolated is going to stretch us all – it already has.

At a very basic level “think it and feel it, act on it” is about simply caring for one another.

I’ve already witnessed the kindness and compassion of people and the greed of people. I plan to nurture the compassionate part. Because whatever unfolds in the coming weeks, we can help one another through it.

So “if you think it and feel it, act on it”

Let’s Get Practical

  • When you think about a neighbor, check in on them.
  • If you noticed something off on that zoom call about a co-worker, follow-up.
  • When anxiety starts to show up, reach out to someone you love & talk about it.

You get the idea.

Take a Step Today

So here’s my “thinking it, feeling it, acting on it” for today:

Put down your phone.
Turn off the tv.
None of us need 12-18 hours of news or social media.

  • Forgotten what to do without your phone?
  • Go for a walk.
  • Organize your closets.
  • Bake some cookies.
  • Read a book.
  • Play a game.
  • Create something.
  • Make a pie. (It’s Pi day ?)
  • Do something that refuels your soul.
  • And at some point in the day…check in on someone you care about.

This has been one crazy week! ❤️

And, yes, I’m also writing this to remind myself. Already made blueberry muffins this morning. A walk before the rain (make that snow) comes is next (I hope!)

Happy Saturday, y’all!
You are loved ❤

 

Originally published at https://www.sarathomas.net/if-you-think-it-feel-it-act-on-it/

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Building Courageous Relationships

We all want healthy, life-giving, encouraging, relationships in our lives.  Relationships of mutual respect, grounded in compassion and care.  Relationships built on love and integrity which give us the strength to live our lives to the fullest.

Courageous relationships give us support to be the leaders needed at work, at home, in the community, and even in our churches. Yet, too often we find ourselves in relationships carved out of fear where we are tentative in our commitments and based upon co-dependency where we seek to survive.

Read more

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Changed By Grace

As I write this, seven more persons have died because of a drive-by shooting spree. I just read that a woman drowned because of the negligence of a 911 dispatcher. It is unbelievable. We have had 283 mass shootings in the United States since January 1. It seems that we grow more and more callous to human need with each day.

At the risk of being offensive, “Thoughts and prayers” are not going to do it. But if it is not “thoughts and prayers” what will make the difference? What will bring an end to such evilness? What can and will bring about the changes needed for us, as human beings, to live in peace with one another and the world?

Over the past several years, you have been challenged to recognize God in your midst. You have been asked questions like, “Where have you seen God this past week?” and “Where have you experienced God recently?” I am convinced that when we experience God in our everyday lives our everyday lives change.

Being Known By God

This is what I have learned. As a child, I put on my best behavior on Sunday mornings. I dressed up for God and for the Christians around me. It never occurred to me that the church was a place to be honest. I confess that it has taken most of my life to allow myself to be known by God.

After years of ministry, God spoke through my pride, while I was reading a commentary on the Gospel of Matthew. In Matthew 7:22 Jesus says, “…many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers.”

Jesus did not say “You never knew me,” or “You never knew the Father.” I had that part down. I had preached sermons, taught Bible studies, led work teams, help build a hospital, and started schools. You get the point.

Do You Need God?

I not only did good things I was a good human being. But God’s grace gripped me when I read the commentary on Jesus words, “I never knew you.”

My goodness, me being good, was not enough. At that moment I realized that what counted was “being known” by God. My relationship with God was based upon full disclosure. Thomas Merton wrote, “We cannot find God unless we know we need God.”

Since that grace experience, I have grown to understand that my wounds, defects, and failures, are the very cracks through which grace can pass. I once read that God holds each of us by a string. When we sin, we cut the string. Then God ties it up again, making a knot, bringing us a little closer to God. Every time our sin cuts the string, God ties another knot. With each knot, God keeps drawing us closer and closer.

Changed by Grace with Transforming MissionThirsty For Grace

Once my life changed, I began to see the church differently. I began to see the church as a community of people thirsty for grace. I began to understand that as I allowed myself to become known by God I was, by God’s grace, more able to share God’s grace. As a person in need of grace, drinking from the fountain of grace, I was more able to offer the water of grace to the people who were thirsty for grace.

So, as an adult, as a “grace-filled” follower of Jesus, I look at the world through the lens of grace. I know it seems simplistic, but I am convinced that God’s grace can and will change the world.

Amazing Grace

Several years ago, Bill Moyers’ hosted a documentary on the hymn “Amazing Grace.” One segment of the film included a scene at Wembley Stadium in London where Moyers interviewed an opera singer by the name of Jessye Norman. Various musical groups, mostly rock bands, had been invited to celebrate the changes in South Africa. Jessye Norman was invited to be the closing act.

The film cuts back and forth between scenes of the unruly crowd in the stadium and Jessye Norman being interviewed. For twelve hours groups like Guns ‘n’ Roses blasted the crowd through banks of speakers. As the crowd yelled for more curtain calls, and the rock groups obliged. Meanwhile, Jessye Norman sat in her dressing room discussing “Amazing Grace” with Moyers.

Grace is a Redemption Song

You and I know the hymn. It was written by John Newton, a coarse, cruel slave trader. He first called out to God in the midst of a storm that nearly threw him overboard. Even though he continued in the slave trade after his conversion, he gradually came to see the light. He wrote the song “How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds” while waiting in an African harbor for a shipment of slaves. He later became a minister and joined William Wilberforce in the fight against slavery. John Newton never lost sight of the depths from which he had been lifted. He never lost sight of grace. When he wrote “…That saved a wretch like me,” he meant those words with all his heart.

In the film, Jessye Norman tells Bill Moyers that Newton borrowed an old tune from the slaves themselves, redeeming the song, just as he had been redeemed.

In the Company of Thousands

Finally, the time came for her to sing. A single circle of light followed Norman, an African-American woman, as she walked out on stage. She had no backup band, no musical instruments. She walked out as Jessye Norman. The crowd was restless. A few people recognized her and some shouted out for more Guns ‘n’ Roses. Others took up the cry. The scene was getting ugly.

Alone, with only her voice, Jessye Norman began to sing:

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost but now am found

Was blind, but now I see.

Something remarkable happened in Wembley Stadium that night. Seventy thousand raucous fans fall silent as she sang amazing grace.

By the time she sang the second verse, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved…” the soprano had the crowd in her hands.

By the time she reached the third verse, “’Tis grace has brought me safe this far, And grace will lead me home,” several thousand people in the crowd were singing with her. It was as if they were remembering words they had heard long ago.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise

Than when we first begun.

Sharing Grace

Jessye Norman later confessed she had no idea what power descended on Wembley Stadium that night. She was simply a person of grace sharing grace. When grace descended, the crowd fell silent.

The world thirsts for grace. What could happen if you and I offered grace to the people who are thirsty for grace? Consider for a minute what could happen if you allowed your wounds, defects, and failures to become the cracks through which grace could pass?

What could happen if you, simply a person of grace, shared grace? I believe the world would fall silent. Do you?