Leadership and Restraint

Several years ago, I wrote a blog regarding Leadership and Restraint. I am revisiting that blog to remind you, as a Christ-centered leader, that restraint is an important part of your leadership.

Restraint is Critical

As leaders, we sometimes believe that it’s the things we do that make the difference. While our actions and words are important, it is often the things we don’t do that make the difference. That is why restraint is critical.

You do not have to be the smartest person in the room with all the right answers, or be involved in making every decision, or looking over the shoulders of the people you are leading. Leadership is as much about what you choose not to do as it is about what you decide to pursue.

Thoughts and Emotions Influence Behavior

Restraint is about self-awareness. Your thoughts and emotions influence your behavior. Even though you know what to do, your thoughts, emotions, previous experiences, stress, being hungry, or being weary affect the way you perceive the situations in which you find yourself. They affect your decisions and how you respond to people around you.

Self Awareness is Important to Leadership

Are you aware of when you must step in and save the day? Some things you need to let people deal with their own problems and let them learn how to solve things for themselves.

Are you aware of when you are seeking to please people? Sometimes when you say “yes” to people you want to please them and are fearful of the consequences of saying “no”?

Are you aware of when you think “it is easier if I just do this work myself”? Too often, leaders don’t want to take the time to equip people to do the work needed to be done. There are times you need to step and assist, but when you do, be aware that you might be keeping others from developing their own skills and self-awareness.

Are you aware of when you want to micromanage the work of others? Too often this is because you do not trust your colleagues, or you are unsure of the work yourself. When you micromanage, you damage the confidence of the people entrusted to your leadership.

Are you aware that sometimes in making snap decisions you are not being decisive? Taking time to reflect before making decisions is a healthier way to lead.

Are you aware that it is okay to say “I don’t know”? Some leaders feel very uncomfortable saying “I don’t know” or “I’ll have a think about this and get back to you”. Saying “I don’t know” is not a sign of weakness but a sign of a leader who has self-awareness,

Are you aware of your emotional triggers? Whether it’s an angry email or a snarky response to a coworker, be aware of your inner temperament. Your response will have long-lasting effects.

Four Ways to Exercise Restraint

So, as a Christ-centered leader, below are four ways you can exercise restraint in your leadership:

1. Understand Your Triggers

When you understand your own triggers, you have a better chance of noticing when they occur, preparing for them and developing strategies to reduce their impact or avoid them altogether. Exercising restraint is much easier when you have this information at your fingertips.

2. Exercise Restraint by Taking a Pause

Viktor Frankl, while in concentration camps during WWII, discovered “the gap” between feeling an emotion and responding. The gap is where you can collect yourself, process the emotion, and respond, instead of reacting.

Steven Covey, in his book The Eighth Habit, says you have the freedom to choose how you act or react in every situation and circumstance in which you find yourself. You might not be able to control what happens to you, but you can decide how you will react to it

Below are several suggestions on how to take a pause.

Excuse yourself and take a break
Get outside into fresh air
Take a drink of water
Take a deep breath
Rephrase a question or statement you just heard, to confirm your understanding.
Request extra time: “I’ll need to think about that and let you know later on.”

These are small “pausing” acts. They help clear a space to process what has happened and to help balance your emotions.

3. Exercise Restraint by Being Curious

Being curious can take the sting out of the emotional response you feel. It helps to uncover the root cause of an issue.

Below are several suggestions on how to be more curious.

Start by asking questions
Listen attentively, instead of just waiting for your turn to speak
Be open to the possibility that you may be wrong about something
Remember that what lies beneath the surface is a driver of human behavior
Remember that people do not come to work to do a bad job, or to upset people
Keep in mind that it’s not always about you.
Focus on what you are hearing and learning from the situation

Curiosity becomes a habit, so start with small steps. Over time, you will cultivate a more curious mindset that can help you navigate challenging situations.

4. Reflect Upon Your Leadership

Reflection is an extremely important part of thoughtful leadership. For some people it comes naturally, while others may need to make it a more intentional practice.

Below are several questions to help with your reflection:

Would you say your inner life and outer life are integrated?
What are the barriers in your personal life that keep you demanding your own way?
Who do you need in your life to assist you in producing the fruit of love and peace?
Are you willing to be held accountable to loving others as God in Christ has loved you?

The true expression of leadership is not acting on selfish impulse but committing your life to serving the greater good. Restraint is love’s submission to integrity.

Over time, you’ll better understand your natural tendencies and instincts. Hopefully, this will help you adjust your behavior to reduce issues and lead more effectively.

What are you praying for?

Fred Craddock tells the story of being asked to speak at a president’s prayer breakfast. At the time, the prayer breakfasts were held not only in this country but around the world. He said, “I got a letter from Washington asking me if I would hold one of these. The place was Seoul, South Korea.”

“The general in charge, and my host, was four-star General Stilwell. He gathered officers and enlisted people in this large room. We had a nice breakfast and then we had prayers. It was not just prayers in name only. The general’s assistant, a colonel, had the soldiers there enter a period of sentence prayers. They had prayers for mothers and fathers and sisters and babies and for my wife back home and for peace in the world. They were emotionally moving prayers.

“There was a young private from Formosa who played ‘Amazing Grace’ on the bagpipe before I spoke. The general sat there with tears in his eyes. He said, ‘I love that song.’”

Craddock said he gave his talk. Then, there was a benediction, and the room began to empty as the soldiers filed out. He shook hands with the general and thanked him for his gracious hospitality. The general said, “I want you to remember us in prayer.”

And Craddock said, “I will. You know I will.”

Then the general said, “Pray not for more power. We have the power. We could destroy this whole place in one afternoon. Pray that we have the appropriate restraint.”

Craddock continued, “It was such an unusual request. ‘Pray that we have restraint.’ He knew his history. He knew he was American, and restraint is built into our history. Why do we have executive, judicial, legislative branches except to build in restraint? Why is it said that we shall allow a person only two terms as president? Restraint. Why do we say that the commander in chief of all armed forces of this country will always be a civilian? Restraint.

“The general knew that the mark of a civilized society is the restraint of power. The mark of a civilized human being is restraint of power.”

Every time I read or hear someone say, “It is my right” or more specially “My God given right,” I stop and say to myself, “Of course it is. But is it right and good for you to exercise your right in relationship with the people around you?

When Craddock left the room, everyone except the general and his aide were gone. His aide asked, “General, shall I bring the car around?”

The general replied, “Not now, I want to sit here awhile.” In the silence of the moment, he asked the private from Formosa to stay and play on the bagpipe.

Craddock looked back as he left the room. There was the general seated alone with the private in front of him playing “Amazing Grace.” Craddock said, “Now isn’t that a picture? Four stars shining, listening to a voice of restraint.”

Pope John Paul XXIII offered similar advice regarding restraint. He said, “See everything. Overlook a great deal. Correct a little.”

As a Christ-centered leader, exercising self-control and practicing leadership restraint, you will be the leader needed for the time in which we live. You will be who God created you to be. Remember, who you are is how you lead.